Strategic Abandonment

“Notionally, one gets the sense that the effectiveness of the individual strategic elements at our disposal would be greatly enhanced by a meta-level approach. In effect: a meta-strategy, whereby the merging of systemic intent and the re-examining of the stakeholder-mandated alignment priorities would naturally produce not only dramatic efficiencies, but also a significant boost to the overall effectiveness of execution in market.

It’s clearly desireable. It’s certainly within scope. And, most importantly, it’s what’s to be expected from a best-practice standpoint.

Unfortunately, it also sounds really, really hard. So we’re probably just going to lump it all together, like this, and see what happens. It’ll probably be fine.”

“It is imperative that we approach our target with confidence. That we address them directly. That we take a bold approach and surround them with myriad opportunities to engage with our context-specific content, our user-defined informational pathways and our aggregated network of interlinked community-building resources. Failing that, we will simply STAB THEM TO DEATH WITH HUNDREDS OF FUCKING ARROWS. That’ll learn ‘em.”

“While the core approach to our key problem involves a focus on the inherent complexities that lie at the heart of our consumer-centric vision for an integrated campaign, the main differentiator we recommend you employ in the pursuit of increasing your chosen demographic’s value-added propensity to self-select, is colour.

Lots and lots of very pretty, very bright colours. Like this.”

“Although the outlooks remains soft to mixed throughout the short-to-near-term event horizon, several sectors are predicted to remain within the sphere of influence of low geo-stationary pockets of fiscal and monetary instability, trending toward volatility, revealing a number of likely scenario-based vectors of leverageable opportunities, either pseudo-directly or through the bridge-trust hyper-derivatives market, in both it’s offshore and domestic manifestations. Our strongest play to date, however, has been to employ the use of escalating bar-chart technology, coupled with a liberal application of commas and zero-based typography, to disguise the fact that our investors funds under management are projected to shrink to exactly zero. Sorry about that.”

“In order to capture a bigger SLICE of the market, we need to ensure our methodology  will DELIVER an effective segmentation of the customer BASE will also pursuing a series of tactics aimed at TOPPING-up our reach metrics, thereby creating a SUPREME example of aggregation. Care must be taken with the execution, however, as we believe the audience to be adverse to CHEESY representations of their lifestyle and are able to see through the THIN CRUST of glamourisation that is generally applied to this category.”

“After considering - and rejecting - several different scenario-based hypotheses, our recommended strategy is to RULE ZE WORLD! Mmwahahahaha…”

“In response to the ever-changing, digitally-enabled, social-media landscape of always-on hyper-connectivity, we are in the process of developing several new strategy-related technologies that will ensure we stay at the forefront of strategy development, delivery and, hopefully, another word starting with the letter ‘d’. Ladies and gentlemen, you will, in years to come, be able to tell your colleagues, friends and families that you were there to witness the birth of the first chapter of the next wave of strategic development: Strategy In 3D.” <muted applause>

“Before we embark, perhaps prematurely, on any particular course of action, we usually recommend taking a thorough inventory of assets and liabilities - the things that we feel our product contributes to the lives of our customers and the reasons some consumers may have for not choosing to add us to their shopping basket. It’s a a vital part of the discipline we need to apply to every aspect of the strategy development process, one that needs to be addressed with the utmost urgency and focus. And we’ll get to it just as soon as we’ve had some of these delicious turkey and cranberry bagels that have just been delivered by the caterers. Promise.”

“Very clearly, if we are to achieve our marketing aim of out-performing the sales results of the red graph, the most effective course of action would be to acquire some dark blue marker technology and pursue a vigorous colouring-in strategy. Does anyone have any dark blue marker technology? Great. Thanks. Now you can see- hey! Wait a minute! Who left the cap off?”

“Although informed, professional speculation is not to be discounted, we continue to believe that the strategic marketing landscape is most effectively understood when subject to clinical in-field examination, multi-threaded cross-relational data analyses and rigorously qualitative scenario-planning. Our team has employed several best-practice tools in each of these fields of enquiry and have arrived at a fact-based understanding of the operational environment in which your brand is currently operating: It is bubbly. Very bubbly.”